March1, 2011 Still Struggling

March 1, 2011  265   Will the Struggling Ever End?

Spent the better part of the morning chopping vegetables for a stir fry.  Made a salad with some of those chopped veggies.  Now this was early this morning - before breakfast.  Felt good about getting the day's meals prepared, but some part of me must have felt "put upon" as I had ice cream in the house and chose that over the salad for dinner.  Counted the calories until I hit the ice cream.  Old behaviors!  I realize each time I lost weight it was a form of "white knuckling" the deprivation of food.  When I reached my goal, I slowly would gain.  I see now those gains were due to food binges and it would take a long while to get back to the proper food choices.  Anger, upset, being stressed over everyday happenings that didn't go smoothly, feeling unappreciated, being insulted and not answering back-then being angry at myself were all reasons for me to turn to food.  Then I'd keep on going until somehow there was a strong enough reason for me to want to be "in shape".  Then back "on the wagon" with all or nothing thinking being the rule.  As soon as there was a slip, it was "Oh the heck with it" thinking.  I guess this tells me I need to watch the "thinking"!  There are visual triggers (t.v.) ~ thought triggers ~ memory triggers ~ the negative memories about being in shape turning me off to sticking with it.  Lots to overcome.  No wonder this is so had and so easily undone.  The "composition of certain foods" act  as addiction triggers and are next to impossible to overcome.  Therefore can't have those in the house.  I ralize a lot of taking off the weight was for what others thought was wanted for THEM!  This has been a portion of time for me to fid what I want and what I want for ME!  The bad cycle has been clicked to good for ME.
Nancy